I used to know cool things. Like hip bars and restaurants. Now I use words like “hip” and can tell you in great detail the location and equipment contained in each local park within a 15 mile radius of where I live. Want to know what Costco has in stock right now? Where the closest Target is? I’m your gal.
I used to shower regularly. I can tell you that I showered today. Just don’t stand too close to me to test whether it’s true or not. Thank you, dry shampoo, for being you.
I used to wear clothes that occasionally made me look feminine. Presently, I tend to rock a very androgynous look. I guess that’s what happens when you consistently shop at Costco and Target….
I used to have a reasonably clean house. On the flip side, I think many bugs have left this old house in disgust now. I’ve never even seen a mouse up in here. Apparently, month-old Goldfish are where they draw the line. And crusty old juice boxes are carelessly strewn about the playroom like my abandoned hopes and dreams.
I used to not appreciate sleep. Pure, uninterrupted sleep. Even now that my kids have all been sleeping through the night for years, I still wake up if I hear a cough, a sneeze, or a pillow fall off the bed. In fact, I can even tell you if my child has croup or a cold based on the style of their cough or sneeze. It wasn’t until kids and the onset of lifelong light-sleeping that I also realized how loud my cat is when he walks. Truth.
I used to read books for sheer enjoyment. Now I read them to find peace, learn how to parent, and figure out why I drink so much. I’ve been reading a book on Buddhism for a month now. I have yet to find enlightenment.
I used to watch the news with the rest of the world. Now, if I’m lucky, I catch up on current events on my CNN app while curled up in the fetal position at night. It’s usually just the highlight reel since my eyes shut after about 5 minutes. In lieu of the news, Henry Danger, Teen Titans and a slew of other forgettable characters have taken up residence in my brain. Damn their catchy jingles and captivating plots.
I used to cook, relax at happy hour with my friends, relish good food and enjoy my meals without cutting up my food into tiny morsels. Now I eat AT happy hour and go to bed at the time I used to go out.
But of all the things that I used to do, there’s not a single one of them that I would take back. There’s nothing better than my three little angels. Nothing. Listening to them laugh hysterically when they tell one another stupid fart jokes and their unexpected sweet hugs are all I need.
I’ll shower and eat when they go to college. Sorry, folks.