Suburban Rhapsody

Welcome to the jungle. And by “jungle” I actually mean summer.

Here’s a visual presentation of how my summer is going so far:

1.) Our middle child wailed the morning of the last day of school. This is the same child that has had an issue with change since the day he was born. Years ago, we had to replace the front steps at our old house. The morning that the men came to demo the old stairs, he stood at the front door for an hour and a half pounding on the window and screaming “Bring back my stairs!” Well, you know what I wanted to scream the morning of the last day of school? “Bring back my freedom!” I guess both of us need to acknowledge that some things are just never coming back.

2.) This was Day 2 of summer vacation at approximately 3:00 pm. We had basically done everything I wanted to do over the course of the entire summer in one single day. iPads and inappropriate female resting positions it is. Hey, kids, if you need me, I’ll be weeping over my glass of wine in the kitchen.

3.) We went to our nieces birthday party in Brooklyn. It was a perfect day. And then our daughter decided that the tail end of the party was the best time to drench herself in the sprinkler. Just in time for the hour and a half she needed to spend in the car. Nothing says “summer” like chafing.

4.) This was our sons reaction to the news that we would be going out to dinner that night. Apparently, only home cooked pasta with butter will do. He went ape. I swear he was speaking in tongues. And I was the epitome of maternal perfection when I took out my camera to capture this precious moment. Lucky for him, I abandoned baby books long ago. Though, this a a moment we will treasure for quite some time.

5.) Our other sons reaction to dining out was equally notable. Early onset depression for this child. I feel it is important to note that these children were told they would be going out to dinner WHILE AT THE BEACH AND PLAYING WITH FRIENDS. Their problems are ridiculous and unrelatable to many.

6.) We raised our parental white flag. Go play your freaking iPads, you ingrates.

Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here everyday. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play. If you got a hunger for what you see, you’ll take it eventually. You can have everything you want but you better not take it from me. 

One week of summer vacation down, 10 more to go. It is safe to say that the children are starting off strong. They are bringing their A-game. This morning I woke up resembling Axl Rose circa 1988: big hair, crazy eyes, confidence, and bounding around the house screaming like it was my own personal stage and owning it. My audience was captivated and listened. They were intrigued. They obliged.

By the end of the summer, I am confident that I will look more like Axl of present day: much heavier with a very weathered look, tired eyes, and lumbering around my stage with a crushed spirit and a longing for the glory days. Nobody will listen to me because they will be tired of watching the same damn show. The songs will be familiar but the performance will make everyone sad. No one will oblige. They might even mock me. At that point you will most likely find me on my knees praying for school to start. I will be weeping again but it will no longer be over a glass of wine. It will be over a chalice of tequila. Because living life in the jungle with these animals will require a more substantial alcohol content.

You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby.

Watch it bring you to your sha na na na na knees, knees. It’s gonna bring you down. Ha!